The Rantings of Miss Hermione Granger, Prefect
by Auror Lupin
Summary: Hermione Granger has stumbled upon some of our fan fiction works. And she is not at all pleased by what she finds...Inf act she has a lot to say about it


A/N: I don't own the Harry Potter Characters. JK Rowling does. I'm not making any money off this fic. I'm just a broke high school student so there's nothing to sue me for.  
  
You might recognize this from elsewhere. My old penname was Creamycoconut43 and I lost the password so im moving everything to my new name. Enjoy!  
  
  
  
~~Disclaimer~~  
  
Yes my friends, odds are that most of you are going to get very upset about this fic, but just know that this was written on a massive sugar high. To tell the truth, I am guilty of a lot of these fics and many things that our dear Hermione criticizes are actually fun to read! So don't get all bent out of shape or take it too personally please cause odds are, if you wrote a Sev/Hermione fic I read it :O) lol Reviews welcome!!  
  
  
  
  
  
The Rantings of Miss. Hermione Granger  
  
  
  
  
  
My name is Hermione Granger. I'm sure that you've all heard or seen my name somewhere due to the fact that Miss. Rowling wrote her little book series about one Harry Potter. Well, during summer vacation from Hogwarts I came across some websites and was appalled by what I have found. Now I'm sure that you're repeated slandering my character is due to the fact that you have nothing to due until the fifth book comes out, but might I suggest that you take up the habit of reading other books? Now I would like to correct some of the images of me that you all seem so hell bent on portraying in your little fan fictions.  
  
First off. My name is Hermione. Not 'Mione, not Herms. Hermione. I know it takes a lot of finger energy for you to type all eight letters but please don't use cutsie little nicknames when applying them to me. Nobody has called me 'Mione in my entire life. One person has ever dared to call me Herms....and the result was not very pretty. My name is not to be shortened in any shape way or form. Hermione or Miss. Granger will do perfectly fine. Also, I am not boring nor am I bossy. I may spend morning until night studying and doing homework, however I do upon occasion have some fun! Yet, I like to get my work done first.  
  
Now, onto the finer aspects of my love life. I'm still trying to make sense of your tendency to throw me into the bed of every single student, teacher, family member, or pet that resides in Hogwarts. No, I'm happy to burst your collective bubbles and tell you that none of your little scenarios are ever going to happen. Never.  
  
Having said that, I know that you all seem to think I spend every waking moment of my life thinking of which teacher to seduce so I can single- handedly turn Hogwarts into a year round porn-fest, but alas I do not. Just skimming through your stories was enough to make me want to hex you all into oblivion for the matches you stick me with. Now....I realise that you all are shag driven, hormonal, sex sponges, but please do not throw me in the middle of your sexual olympics. I am quite happy sharing my bed with Crookshanks. He lets me sleep on the right side and he does not snore. Nor does he see any need to fondle me.  
  
  
  
The undoubted winner of the Hermione Granger/professor shag-a-thon is by far the pinnacle of greasiness himself- Professor Snape. Now allow me a moment to pick my head out of the garbage after relieving the contents of my breakfast. My guess is that far too many of you have read the book Lolita and have decided to stick me with sexual partners old enough to be my father. As it is, I am sorry to disappoint you, but I am not a nymphomaniac, nor do middle aged men turn me on in any shape, way or form. Now I have no problem telling you that even if the entire equilibrium of the planet was spun around ass backwards I would never find Professor Snape attractive. If some male-killing virus wiped out the entire population of men except for Professor Snape, and a rabid silver back gorilla, I would choose the gorilla to be my bedmate.  
  
It is bad enough I have to deal with his sarcastic comments, child like tantrums, and self imposed hatred in class, but I would like to keep my bedchambers free of such negativity. Now it is true that I admire his skill as a potion maker but let's face it. Not only is the man 20 years my senior, but he was a death eater, he hates everything that breathes oxygen, he lives in the dungeons, and to put it lightly, his personality rivals that of a snapping turtle. Not to mention that the name Severus sounds like something out of the Adams Family. Now, let's review the three basic types of "let's have the big bad potions master turn Hermione into a puddle of moldable goo" fan fictions.  
  
Type A:  
  
Professor Flitwick has died/retired/been pecked to death by two headed chickens and Dumbeldore chooses me to become the new Charms professor soon after I graduate. I become overtaken by the dark mysterious modern day Cassenova that is Severus Snape and after twenty five chapters of me hurling myself at him every chance I get, he decides to give in and have a good bonking.  
  
I'd hate to break it to you, but professor Flitwick has probably been around since the castles inception and I doubt he's about to croak off anytime soon given the fact that no two faced chickens or diseased monkeys find their way into his bedchambers. Also, I'm sure that I would be the least likely substitute for him.  
  
Type B:  
  
Professor Snape and I frolic merrily around the wizarding world looking for the sorcerer's stone, a potion ingredient, or some lost and lonely orphan of Voldie's. Durring our romps, I teach him the error of his ways and convince him not to bite the heads off of live babies or whatever The Dark Lord tells him to do, and once more we have a good bonking. Then I am kidnapped by Lucius Malfoy, Snape heroically saves me and we once more..ah you know.  
  
I find this disturbing and about as likely as Crabbe and Goyale thinking....well thinking. Despite public opinion, it would be less painful and more fun to rub salt on my eyes and cook them into french fries than to go on such expeditions. And plus I believe that if I were to be taken prisoner by a band of death eaters, Snape would have a fairly large celebration.  
  
Type C:  
  
I (through no fault of my own of course) land a late night detention with the elusive Snape. Somewhere between my erotic chopping of chicken brains or cleaning cauldrons Snape's hormones get the best of him and we wind up rolling around on his desk like a couple of chimpanzees. Later I am dismissed and I cry into my pillow, on and on yadda yadda. Harry and Ron find out and have a tantrum to create more drama, then set off to destroy Tokyo.  
  
While the thought of the previous instances makes my skin crawl, this one takes the cake. At least in the other two scenarios I'm of legal age, but these are terrifying. I don't even wish to comment.  
  
  
  
Second place is a tie between the two Marauders, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black (who had his name cleared by the Ministry and has returned to take the DADA position to cause disturbances between himself and Snape.) Now, these two instances do not make my skin crawl half as much as what was previously mentioned. In such fics, I foolishly break my time turner and get thrown back into the era of the Marauders fall in love with one of the two, followed by a little snogging, and then return home to find that they don't accept me. For gods sake people can you be anymore predictable?? Now I will not lie, I do find Sirius Blak a bit...dashing......but it would be the equivalent of carrying on a relationship with your best friends father and the thought disturbs me. And while Remus Lupin is a very nice man, I feel no need to jump him from behind, mind you I am not a porn star.  
  
Now onto the slightly more believable, yet equally disturbing Hermione/student relationships. Examples would be Harry, Ron, Draco, Neville, and so forth and so on. I will express my feelings on the three most popular.  
  
Ron. *sigh* Where to begin? Well first off I look for someone who can string a sentence together without using anything remotely involving Quidditch. I fear that Ron thinks far too much with his gonads, because his head is filled to the capacity with talk of Quaffles and Bludgers. It gets frightfully bad when Ron starts using pick up lines such as "I'll be your beater anytime," or "Lemme catch your golden snitches." This is highly frightening. However Ron is a very loyal friend which I can put up with most of the time.  
  
I came across a few fics where unfortunately, Draco and I are passionate lovers after he gets over his hate of Muggles and Mudbloods and sees just how intelligent and resourceful I am. And I in turn, forgive him for all the years he made my life miserable.....*rolls over the fics with a five ton steam roller* I would like to capitalize on the fact that Draco is a Malfoy. Which means he is an aristocratic, contemptible bastard with a small..um, temper. Yes, that's it temper. I am sure that Malfoy would rather scrub himself raw with bent nails and razor blades than be caught snooging with me in the Astronomy Tower. The feeling is mutual...trust me. Subsequently, the chances of Malfoy and I forming a relationship are the chances of Satan strapping on a ballerina suit and ice skating through Hates.  
  
And last but not least Harry. Harry gets me very frustrated because if he spent half the time he spends playing quidditch and getting into trouble under that infernal invisibility cloak with Ron as he did studying, he would be a very good wizard. Harry shares in Ron's obsessive compulsive tendencies with anything involving Quidditch. However out of all the pairings I read, this one makes me laugh the hardest. However I am sure that this was not your intention. A romance between Harry and I would be so incredibly boring that flies swarming around peanut butter would be infinitely more amusing.  
  
Now that I have vented my suppressed anger to all you authors, I hope you heed my advice when it comes to sticking me in romantic situations. Just because I am the only girl younger than 80 in the books does not make me everyone's personal sex toy. So please think about my feelings before slapping a *PWP* sticker on your description and sending me off to the impending doom of another NC-17 Fic!  
  
Sincerly Yours,  
  
Hermione Granger  
  
Prefect 


End file.
